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Being A Better Friend
By Laura Newsome

In the end, perhaps it is our friendships that best define us. The only human relationship not tied to a basic biological need, the number and the kind of friendships we adopt with others is a window into our soul—what we value, how we see ourselves, how we view the world and the way we treat others. Although friendships are often complex and multi-layered relationships, our friends are people we greet with goodwill, who share our sense of fun, intimacy and a common understanding. Friendships may run the gamut from childhood friends and casual workplace acquaintances to hiking buddies and best friends, but few things are better than enjoying a good meal and a genuine connection with treasured friends.

In their new book, “The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections,” father-and-daughter team, Roger and Sally Horchow, say that “finding common ground, a similar sense of humor or taste, or a mutual interest is where the joy of friendship begins.” After writer Malcolm Gladwell devoted an entire chapter of his bestselling book “The Tipping Point,” to Roger Horchow’s effortless ability to make and maintain friendships, Horchow decided to team up with daughter, social guru Sally Horchow, to pen a book filled with helpful tips, simple advice and interesting personal anecdotes about fostering and fine-tuning the “Art of Friendship.”

To help you make the most of your friendships, Today’s Chiropractic LifeStyle recently interviewed Sally Horchow for advice on some of the most important aspects of friendship.

The Art of Listening
Friendship is indeed an art, and often the most difficult aspect to master is the art of listening. “Listening is very important when it comes to friendship, so you want to really take the time to listen to what the other person is saying because you can learn a lot about them,” says Sally Horchow. No matter how well you think you know someone, each conversation can bring you closer together, as new experiences inspire revelations and conversations you have never had before. “If you really listen you can pick up clues about a person and you will learn more about them, which can help further your relationship,” Horchow says. When our relationships are new, we often hang on the words of our newfound conversation partners, but the best relationships retain this quality as they evolve, proving that relationships, and people themselves, are dynamic and always engaging.

The Art of Conversation
The bedrock of any friendship, conversation is the basis for all emotional intimacy. Our words help people understand where we’ve been, where we are going, what we value and how we relate to others. “I think the same things that make someone a good conversationalist also make them a good friend,” Horchow says. “People who are interesting, who pay attention to what you’re saying, are engaging and enthusiastic, are probably good friends in other ways too.” Friendships, no matter what their age and strength, thrive on the benefits of two-way talk. Keeping a friendship alive requires that both parties take turns sharing and listening, while actively showing interest in the hobbies, talents and important milestones in the other person’s life.

The Art of Giving
Like all human bonds, friendship is all about giving—of compliments, thanks, affection, emotions, time, experiences, care and even wealth. Even though there aren’t many ground rules for showing your love and appreciation for a treasured friend, we often forget to show those we love just how much we care for them. “Allow yourself to open up and tell your friends how you feel about them,” Horchow says. “Make sure you pay compliments and tell your friends they are important and special to you.” Showing gratitude to your closest friends, who have seen you through thick and thin, could include an unexpected letter, a special dinner to celebrate a long-awaited career milestone, or a boisterous night out when they are feeling less than cheerful. Whatever your forte, showing unexpected generosity, through good times and bad, will help maintain your unfailing bond.

The Benefits of Being Friendly
Like all human relationships, friendships have many benefits beyond the simple joys of conversation and companionship. “Doctors say that having friends can help you live longer,” Horchow says. Studies have shown that these soulful relationships increase our happiness, can help us live longer, lower our blood pressure and keep our minds sharp through frequent conversation and mental stimulation. “Friendships help us stay connected to other people and they have many life enhancing capabilities, more so than things like making money,” Horchow says. “If you focus and spend time on being a better friend, listening to what other people have to say, it makes the world a better place and helps us all become better neighbors.”

Building Friendships that Last
While new friends come with the excitement of making a new connection, our oldest friendships are tried and true, having weathered personal tragedies, career setbacks and disagreements that can only occur between people who are more like family than good friends. New friendships are born from laughter, common interests and a spark of social chemistry, but mature friendships last because both parties are committed to honesty, patience, understanding and most importantly, forgiveness. Just like a family, our best friendships accept mistakes, disagreements and disappointments as a natural part of the cycle.>

“It is important to recognize and accept the ebb and flow that is a part of friendships as well as all other relationships,” Horchow says. “Taking the time and effort to follow up with people by phone and e-mail helps, but relationships only grow when we update our experiences with them, which means taking time to see them in person.” So make sure you take the time to bridge gaps in distance and experience by planning a vacation, adventure trip or simply a long lunch, to celebrate your past and future history with a most treasured friend.