Today's Chiropractic Lifestyle

Discussion Board

Survey

My Relationships

Love Through Thick and Thin
By Jennifer Maciejewski

Though being in a relationship has its perks, like having someone with you through thick and thin, it also has its downsides, especially when you go from thin to thick, literally. As many people in committed relationships quickly discover, it’s far too easy to pack on the pounds after they say, “I do.” After all, once you’ve settled down with your lifelong partner, there’s less pressure to keep up appearances since you’re no longer “out there” trying to attract a mate. Add in the time pressures that come with building careers and raising children—not to mention the business lunches and kid-friendly fare that come with them—and it’s no surprise that the

numbers on the scale continue to climb. With so much to do, who has time to cook, much less shop for, a healthy meal or squeeze in a trip to the gym?

And the old adage that birds of a feather flock together rings true for people in relationships. “Most of us know that drug addicts and drinkers find each other,” says psychologist and social worker LeslieBeth Wish. “So do eaters, even ‘closet’ eaters. People have an emotional comfort zone where they feel better with someone with similar behaviors, and they don’t realize that on some unknown level, choosing an eating buddy was one of the things that attracted them.”

Surprisingly, not all “eaters” are overweight. “Eaters can be people who visibly are overweight or people who manage their food by becoming equally obsessed about being thin,” Wish says. “It can go in a number of directions.” For instance, if a thin person gets involved with someone who has a slight weight problem, then they may shift to become very health conscious, running five miles a day together, or they may become very eating oriented, sampling the cuisine at every gourmet restaurant around town.

But when food-oriented couples go in different directions, with one person gaining weight while the other keeps a watchful eye on both of their waistlines, it’s a recipe for relationship problems. The situation becomes compounded when one or both spouses are chiropractors.

A Pound of Problems
That’s the case for Caryn Melton, a 43-year-old mother of two from Milwaukee. Though Melton admittedly never misses the opportunity for dessert, especially if it’s crème brûlée or chocolate cake, she keeps her indulgences to a minimum, and she makes time to exercise a couple of hours each week. “I force myself to not open the freezer and eat,” Melton says, “because otherwise, at this point in my life, my butt would spread.”

But, Melton adds, her husband of 16 years is not nearly as disciplined, and he has the expanding waistline to prove it. Though they eat plenty of healthy meals as a family, her husband’s bad habits—smoking, drinking numerous diet sodas daily, grazing on pretzels or yogurt when he has trouble sleeping at night, swapping exercise for long hours at the office—keep him about 60 pounds overweight.

“For as smart as he is, he is really stupid because he is addicted to Diet Coke,” Melton says. “It’s a vicious circle of the caffeine and the lack of sleep and then eating and then being too tired because of extra work and then not having the energy to go to the gym. It’s a whole lifestyle choice.”

Although Melton admits that she’s less attracted to her husband now, the size of his belly isn’t the only factor. “It’s an issue of his physical appearance as well as his outlook, his wellness mentally and physically,” Melton says. “If a person is healthy mentally and holistically, their eating habits and their lifestyle choices change. The reality is that he is cutting his life short.”

Rebecca Hosley of Portland, Ore., experienced a similar shift in her relationship when she ballooned from a size 10 to a size 24 in less than two years. Though her fiancé, Pete, when pressed, will admit that he’s less physically attracted to her when she’s overweight, Hosley adds that her own lack of self worth proved more damaging to the relationship than her girth.

“It became a vicious circle in that the more I weighed, the more depressed I got, and the more depressed I got, the more I would turn to food for emotional comfort,” Hosley says. “I was unhappy, and I took it out on him. Conversely, he never opened up and told me how my behavior was affecting him until he reached his breaking point and poured out four years worth of frustrations on me right before Thanksgiving in 2002. Fortunately, we were able to talk through our problems and agreed to try to work things out. For me, it led to a renewed need to take control of my weight, which had been making me so miserable for so long.”

A Pinch of Cure
For couples struggling with weight issues, it’s tempting for one partner to jump in and try to convince the other to change the behavior. For instance, Melton has tried countless tactics to influence her husband, from clipping out news articles about the harmful effects of artificial sweeteners to giving him “the look” when he serves himself a bowl of ice cream. But, she admits, nothing she does motivates him to change.

And it never will, says psychotherapist and eating disorders specialist Lydia Hanich, author of “Honey Does This Make My Butt Look Big?” “Negative comments produce negative results. If someone judges or criticizes or makes fun of or shames or humiliates, that’s all going to backfire.”

Since overweight people know they’re overweight, there’s no point in stating the obvious. However, a significant weight change is often a sign that something else is wrong, so it is important to address the underlying issue.

Instead of saying, “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you’re fat,” which only leads to hurt feelings and another serving of comfort food, Hanich recommends trying a gentler approach. For instance, if a husband suspects that his wife is using her weight to avoid intimacy, he could say, “I’ve noticed that we’re not having sex as often as we used to, and I miss that between us. Do you miss it, too?” Chances are, she’ll bring up the fact that she doesn’t feel good about herself or sexy now that she’s gained weight, and that’s when he gets to say, “How can I help you with that?” One caveat: That help should never include serving as his spouse’s diet or exercise coach.

Just as the pounds didn’t go on overnight, it can take years for someone to regain control and drop any excess baggage. In the meantime, it’s important that the couple maintain a strong sense of intimacy in their relationship, both by staying physically close, whether through cuddling, sensual massage or sex, and by maintaining a strong emotional connection.

“It’s really important for a spouse to reassure the other person regularly that they are loved for who they are, just the way they are, because it’s from that place that an individual makes changes, even within themselves,” Hanich says. “Acceptance always precedes a change. Without that, nothing’s going to happen.”

That proved true for Jessica Michael, of Miami, whose husband told her that he was concerned about her weight shortly before their wedding five years ago. “The first year of marriage was really difficult because my weight was a constant topic,” Michael says. “He was always trying to get me to go out to exercise with him. I would think he was measuring me up when he’d look at me, and he would suggest that I not eat certain things. We got to the point where we actually met with a couple, and they said, ‘Hey, the way that you are treating her is almost like abuse because you are focusing on it so much that she thinks about it constantly.’ At that point, he finally got it that he was going too far.”

In fact, it was only after her husband backed off and dropped the subject for a couple of years that Jessica took steps to lose the weight, joining Weight Watchers and working out at the gym. “I just gave up and decided that he had to learn to love me for who I am,” Michael says. “Now, my husband encourages me and tries to build up my confidence. He’ll tell me, ‘You look really hot in that.’ I think he sees my confidence in myself, and that is more attractive to him, as well. When I was trying to lose the weight for him, I couldn’t; I just kept gaining. You have to want to lose the weight for yourself because it is not going to last if you do it for somebody else.”