Are you troubled in your
relationship? Does your non-chiropractic partner think your health choices are
too extreme? Are you wondering why your spouse/significant other doesn’t
understand the things you do and why you do them? You are not alone. Many chiropractic
relationships struggle with these issues, because chiropractic isn’t just
a job; it’s a way of life.
I have been involved with chiropractic since 1987, when I first met my husband,
Drew, while he was at Life Chiropractic College. I noticed the incredible passion
he had for his profession, which I soon learned would become his life’s
work. I, on the other hand, was pursuing a career in psychology, with a background
steeped in medicine from a family filled with medical doctors, (within my immediate
family, an internist, neurosurgeon, neuroradiologist, cardiologist, pharmacist,
OB/Gyn and psychiatrist, to name just a few).
In our new relationship, we addressed controversial topics such as chiropractic
philosophy, home birth, vaccinations, extended breastfeeding, family bed, vegetarianism,
organic food, God, innate, and the list goes on and on. We faced these issues,
one-by-one, head on. I began reading everything I could get my hands on. The
first chiropractic book I read was, “Are You the Doctor, Doctor?”
by Fred Barge, DC. At that point, I had never heard of the concept of healing
body, mind and spirit from within. That was just the beginning.
The Big Investigation
I began to talk to as many other chiropractic couples about their philosophy
and life as I could while attending seminars ranging from philosophy to technique
to practice management to motivational speakers. I noticed, however, that more
than half of the chiropractors did not bring their significant others to these
seminars, and then would turn around and say that they didn’t feel understood
by their partners. Of course not! As a non-DC, it is important to hear the chiropractic
message over and over to understand and participate in your loved one’s
life. I would have resented the time Drew spent with his patients and the “never
leave ‘till the patients stop coming in” attitude, if I did not
understand the principles of chiropractic.
This immersion into the philosophy motivated us to “walk our talk”
and live it to the fullest. The only way we believed we could manifest our dream
of a beautiful relationship was to do everything together—learn together
and share together. I sought out other non-DC spouses to prove to myself that
this alternative lifestyle really could work. I found many successful chiropractic
couples raising healthy, happy, drug-free families. This was the beginning of
understanding the true power of above-down, inside-out.
Many told Drew that we would never make it together because of my medical family
background. My suggestion is to give your partner a chance to learn that which
you know and love. Many chiropractors expect a significant other to “get”
chiropractic in one sitting, but will happily educate their patients for a lifetime.
Just like your patients are exposed to mainstream concepts through mass media
(radio, TV, billboards, newspapers, magazines, etc.), so are your partners.
Give them time to learn and help them get resources.
All We Need to do is Talk!
When my husband was in chiropractic school, he was excited about his future
and happily exploring and learning. I found my pursuit in psychology frustrating
and contradictory to my new and growing belief system. Open communication and
talking seemed to be the key to helping us through this journey. What do you
do when you disagree on basic issues such as healthcare, running your office,
spending money or time, and raising children?
Many say that working together can be “relationship suicide.” Yet,
suicide is actually a cry for help. Repetitive themes in challenged relationships
are the struggle for importance or acknowledgment. The solution: partners need
to be clear whether chiropractic is a business or a lifestyle. “Relationship
suicide” occurs when people feel unheard and their needs are not being
met. Usually this occurs when two individuals are working on two different belief
systems. If one spouse loves what they do and the other works out of necessity
or guilt, then you have a “relationship time bomb.” Communication
is the key, especially before establishing a business partnership.
Another saying in chiropractic college is, “If you come in single, you’ll
come out married; and if you come in married, you’ll come out single.”
I work with many chiropractic couples that have disparity in their relationship.
Chiropractic seems to be to blame in the relationship, instead of looking deeper
to determine the fears or insecurities that actually exist in each individual.
Spectacular relationships have to be built, one brick at a time, and then worked
on day after day after day. It takes truly listening to someone, not just hearing
your partner.
I Graduated. Now what?
After graduation, my husband associated for six months. We both lived with our
parents in two different states to save money. Life became more challenging
and our phone bills kept increasing exponentially. We could only take about
six months of commuting and not being together during the week, until finally
Drew opened his own practice in a converted medical doctor’s office several
miles from where I was living. We will never forget that office: eight hundred
square feet, plastic psychedelic chairs left by the owner, and borrowed furniture
from multiple family members. He had two old uneven filing cabinets with a leaf
from his father’s dining room table as a front desk, with a telephone
book underneath for balance. Drew had almost $100,000 in student loans and I
was accruing more. With those humble beginnings, we made a decision to focus
our energy on more than survival.
Next came long nights and weekends both in the office and out of the office
promoting it. Many spouses/partners complain about the chiropractor being more
in love with chiropractic than their families. We faced this issue by being
in the office, doing screenings and lectures together. I would stop in between
my classes and study or answer phones, and when we had a child, we decided he
would “grow up” in the office.
Chiropractic Parenthood: Testing Your Belief System
Many questions surfaced when we approached parenthood. We found many people,
even some DC friends, stating that our choices were too extreme. Don’t
you think a home birth is dangerous? Extending nursing, isn’t it time
to give it up? No vaccines? Aren’t you worried you are experimenting on
your child? Don’t you think being a vegetarian with no milk or meat will
stunt your child’s growth? Won’t a family bed affect your child?
Are you sure you want to home school? Most of these, as you can see, were not
even chiropractic issues. They were lifestyle choices that we made based on
our exposure to chiropractic philosophy.
The true test of your relationship and philosophical beliefs comes when your
child gets sick for the first time. If you and your spouse have not decided
ahead of time what you will do during these times, then another battle will
be thrust upon you. It is important to discuss all the possibilities before
they occur, to reduce the potential explosion of mixed belief systems.
How does the chiropractor balance his life between family, practice, seminars,
significant others, children and bills? Do you feel guilty for not being at
home with your family when you are in the office, but when you are with your
family you feel guilty for not serving in chiropractic? Balance is not giving
100 percent to one thing; it is about giving 100 percent to everything you do
as you do it. When you are with patients, be with them. When you are with your
family, be with them. Give 100 percent at all times to each activity you perform.
Another suggestion is to share with your spouse and children the profession
that you hold so dear. Have your family participate so that you never have to
make a choice between the two. I have heard DCs say, “My partner would
never come with me to a seminar because they are not interested in that kind
of stuff.” My question is always, “When was the last time you went
to one of their seminars/meetings/interests?” Involve yourself in each
other’s life. That’s what love is all about, and why the relationship
was started in the first place.
Love Will Keep Us Together
The simplest key, regardless of your chiropractic affiliation, is the understanding
that love deepens over time. Our culture is focused on the “fast food
generation” focusing on immediate gratification without concern of what
the consequences are for tomorrow or the future. We are able to “throw”
everything away because everything is disposable, including relationships. You
don’t have buy into the cultural hypnosis. Love does indeed grow over
the years and decades if you work on it. Most people stop working on their relationship
as soon as they get married, because that is what we have been shown and taught.
Chiropractors look at life in a totally different way. As a psychotherapist,
I listen, watch and interpret all that I see from others. That is what I am
trained to do. Therefore, why wouldn’t I expect the same from a chiropractor?
When Drew and I walk down the street, he always comments on people’s body
posture and gait. I know he can’t help himself. Everything he sees relates
to chiropractic in his mind. If we see a great movie (or a bad movie), it has
some significant life message related to chiropractic. A cereal box can create
the same intense insight into his mind and he must share. I try to understand
the beauty of where his passion comes from. Imagine loving what you do everyday
and never having to go to work, only going to play and actually get paid for
it. Trying to find the beauty in everyday life is essential for all of us.
May your relationship be all that you dreamed it to be!
Dr. Lisa Rubin is the Director of the Student
Success Center at Life University.