By Jean McAulay
If you’ve already parsed out who gets grandma’s antique silver and
which kid gets your complete set of B.J. Palmer’s Green Books, the easy
part is done. The hardest part of your will is figuring out how to pass on the
intangibles, such as life lessons and sentiments, to your loved ones. An ethical
will can be the vehicle that enables you to provide a legacy of your innermost
thoughts, inspirations and life lessons.
Inner Voice
Different in focus from a traditional last will and testament that spells out
how money, real estate and other tangible possessions are distributed, an ethical
will is more like a window into the heart of a person. As individual as the
person writing it, an ethical will is often like a love letter to friends and
family and can help you pass on wisdom gained from your experiences and gratitude
for those who have shared the journey.
“It’s a matter of values clarification,” says Greg Ward, an
Atlanta area Unitarian Universalist minister. “Writing an ethical will
provides an opportunity for self assessment and asking what values you want
to end up with at the close of your life that you ultimately want to hand off
to your loved ones. Our lives are often full with the drudgery of meeting daily
obligations. If we stop and take an honest audit of how we spend our time compared
to our greatest values, most of us would be surprised, and perhaps disappointed,
at the lack of harmony,” he cautions.
Time constraints might be part of it, but many of us also shy away from acknowledging
our own mortality. A study from the University of Iowa found most people overpay
for funeral services because they don’t pre-plan and that 90 percent of
families meet with a funeral director for less than two hours. Yet, we think
nothing of planning for months (even years) for a typical wedding.
Rewarding Reflection
“Writing an ethical will helps you take stock of important issues in your
life, not to produce shame or guilt, but to stimulate changes in behavior to
help you make the most of the time remaining and make sure it’s spent
in ways consistent with your higher goals,” Ward says.
David Koch, D.C., Life University philosophy professor, has done a lot of soul
searching. Maybe it’s an occupational hazard. “As a philosophy teacher,
I’m always defining what my fundamental values are and evaluating how
my life expresses those values.”
Three years ago, intensive self-assessment led Koch to a major overhaul of his
lifestyle habits as he got more active and slimmed down. He and his wife, Rebecca
(Today’s Chiropractic LifeStyle “Oh, Bull!” columnist), also
reevaluated their Christmas traditions and decided they’d had enough of
the buying frenzy. They realigned their holiday spending and diverted mall dollars
into a significant donation to the Red Cross. “It was a very values-driven
decision,” he says.
In the midst of their self evaluation, Rebecca was diagnosed with kidney cancer.
“We felt so much better about the fact that we had started reorganizing
our lives before she got the diagnosis. What the experience really revealed
to us is that we had already put our values in line with our actions,”
Koch says. “As we looked at the harsh reality of a potential change in
our future prospects, we didn’t need to reevaluate and make all kinds
of changes—we were already living our values.”
Although writing an ethical will can be emotionally difficult—requiring
that you look at yourself and your life with complete candor and face up to
essential truths and even personal failures—many find it an incredible
learning experience. They insist it’s not depressing, but rather inspiring.
Better Sooner Than Later
Although typically associated with the end of life, ethical wills can be prepared
at any time and are often appropriate in conjunction with a birth, marriage,
divorce, move, children leaving home or any life transition. Writing one can
help you understand yourself better, come to terms with your own mortality and
feel a greater sense of control and closure.
“Going through the reflective process involved in writing an ethical will
enables you to find out what you’re really about,” Ward says. “Or,
you might learn your spouse’s deepest reflections about the things that
really matter.” Because ethical wills are typically shared while the writer
is still living, they can facilitate conversation about important issues in
a way that creates connection and helps people understand each other better
while they still have time together.
Originally passed on orally, ethical wills reflect an ancient tradition referenced
in Genesis and the spiritual writings of many faiths. Today, they are usually
committed to writing and can range from a single page summary or letter to a
lengthy scrapbook. “I encourage people to be as artistic as possible in
writing an ethical will and to draw on the things that inspire you in life—such
as favorite movies, songs and novels,” Ward says.
Although Koch has not yet captured his thoughts on paper, doing so will likely
further clarify them for him and make them more available to his loved ones.
There are plenty of resources to help you get started. You may want to talk
with your clergy member and then visit the local book store. Titles such as
“The Ethical Will Writing Guide Workbook” by Barry K. Baines and
“Ethical Wills: A Modern Jewish Treasury” by Jack Reimer and Nathaniel
Stampfer are good resources. Internet sites, such as ethicalwill.com, provide
lots of how-to advice and even templates and worksheets you can order.
The kids may fight over what you choose to leave them and how you divide it,
but all your loved ones can benefit from learning what you’re all about,
how much you love them and what you have found to be most important in life.
With an ethical will, anyone can leave a rich legacy to cherished loved ones,
regardless of his bank account.